You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were husky and sultry, like two big puppies. Your immediate instinct was to act, but instead you decided to call your friend Joe: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Sunday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of beer in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of wine to spike up your morning. That Sunday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -7 Degrees F with a
91% chance of a flood.
HEADLINE: Spain, France, and
Portugal have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: purple warts located on victim's finger. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 5 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? purple warts on your finger?! Yes!
Just then, Joe knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Joe, I have purple warts on my finger. That means I only have 5 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Joe. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the zoo. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the zoo. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, hastily demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your purple warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected finger friendly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of cats, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Joe's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed sadly, after they had left. "I have the extra 23 dollars that I keep in my shoe! We can go to the zoo with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 36 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and raunchily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the dull confusion, you were certain you infected at least 2 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the wise crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Joe noticed that you were right in front of the zoo. Just then, the temperature dropped to -7 Degrees F, and the flood broke loose. Plus, the zoo was surrounded by 11 hundred firefighters trying to put out a thin fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Joe, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of leggy twins.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your purple wart covered finger. "Here, Joe! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling happily, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing fingers and waiting to succumb to the purple warts.