You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were huge and warm, like two big houses. Your immediate instinct was to running, but instead you decided to call your friend serena: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of whiskey in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of beer to spike up your morning. That wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -4 Degrees F with a
4% chance of a earthquake.
HEADLINE: holland, denmark, and
usa have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's finger. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 2 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your finger?! Yes!
Just then, serena knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, serena, I have blue warts on my finger. That means I only have 2 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied serena. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the field museum. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the field museum. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, instinctually demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected finger bathing.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of pigeons, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and serena's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed haughtingly, after they had left. "I have the extra 6 dollars that I keep in my scarf! We can go to the field museum with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 32 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and goes as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the funny confusion, you were certain you infected at least 23 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the flighty crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and serena noticed that you were right in front of the field museum. Just then, the temperature dropped to -4 Degrees F, and the earthquake broke loose. Plus, the field museum was surrounded by 3 hundred firefighters trying to put out a pretenious fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at serena, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of spicy socks.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered finger. "Here, serena! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling noisily, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing fingers and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.