You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were hot and tasty, like two big dogs. Your immediate instinct was to jump, but instead you decided to call your friend Kate: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Friday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of gin in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of vodka to spike up your morning. That Friday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: 5 Degrees F with a
8% chance of a hurricane.
HEADLINE: Morocco, Sardegna, and
Quebec have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blackness warts located on victim's arm. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 4 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blackness warts on your arm?! Yes!
Just then, Kate knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Kate, I have blackness warts on my arm. That means I only have 4 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Kate. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Grant's Park. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Grant's Park. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, lovely demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blackness warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected arm lonely.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of kittens, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Kate's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed flimsy, after they had left. "I have the extra 12 dollars that I keep in my skirt! We can go to the Grant's Park with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 6 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and to run as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the slippery confusion, you were certain you infected at least 8 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the milky crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Kate noticed that you were right in front of the Grant's Park. Just then, the temperature dropped to 5 Degrees F, and the hurricane broke loose. Plus, the Grant's Park was surrounded by 12 hundred firefighters trying to put out a plastic-ey fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Kate, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of weathered horses.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blackness wart covered arm. "Here, Kate! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling balloon, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing arms and waiting to succumb to the blackness warts.