You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were hot and smoky, like two big lice. Your immediate instinct was to stalk, but instead you decided to call your friend zach: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of whiskey in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of vodka to spike up your morning. That wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -9 Degrees F with a
45% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: england, ireland, and
new zealand have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: pink warts located on victim's arm. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 6 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? pink warts on your arm?! Yes!
Just then, zach knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, zach, I have pink warts on my arm. That means I only have 6 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied zach. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Quimby's. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Quimby's. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, akwardly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your pink warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected arm horsly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of cows, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and zach's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed slyly, after they had left. "I have the extra 5655 dollars that I keep in my footiepajamas! We can go to the Quimby's with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 48 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and luckily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the sincere confusion, you were certain you infected at least 875 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the dusty crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and zach noticed that you were right in front of the Quimby's. Just then, the temperature dropped to -9 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the Quimby's was surrounded by 789 hundred firefighters trying to put out a junky fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at zach, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of trashy holes.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your pink wart covered arm. "Here, zach! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling comfortably, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing arms and waiting to succumb to the pink warts.