You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were horny and sexy, like two big boobs. Your immediate instinct was to fight, but instead you decided to call your friend rachel: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a humpday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of patron in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of jager to spike up your morning. That humpday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -50 Degrees F with a
382% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: philippines, usa, and
canada have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's vagina. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your vagina?! Yes!
Just then, rachel knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, rachel, I have blue warts on my vagina. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied rachel. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the navy pier. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the navy pier. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, lightly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected vagina quickly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of chickens, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and rachel's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed mournfully, after they had left. "I have the extra 8382 dollars that I keep in my thong! We can go to the navy pier with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 30 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and slowly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the throbbing confusion, you were certain you infected at least 101 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the screwy crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and rachel noticed that you were right in front of the navy pier. Just then, the temperature dropped to -50 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the navy pier was surrounded by 9393 hundred firefighters trying to put out a soft fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at rachel, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of huge posters.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered vagina. "Here, rachel! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling carefully, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing vaginas and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.