You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were horny and sexy, like two big horns. Your immediate instinct was to run, but instead you decided to call your friend Brett: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Thursday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Cosmo in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Mai Tai to spike up your morning. That Thursday needed a punch.
You moved into the living room, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -4 Degrees F with a
7% chance of a flood.
HEADLINE: Zaire, America, and
Slovenia have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: yellow warts located on victim's elbow. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 9 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? yellow warts on your elbow?! Yes!
Just then, Brett knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Brett, I have yellow warts on my elbow. That means I only have 9 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Brett. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Wrigley Field. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Wrigley Field. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, swimmingly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your yellow warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected elbow magically.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of birds, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Brett's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed garishly, after they had left. "I have the extra 4 dollars that I keep in my bra! We can go to the Wrigley Field with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 3 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and longingly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the jerky confusion, you were certain you infected at least 8 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the slimy crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Brett noticed that you were right in front of the Wrigley Field. Just then, the temperature dropped to -4 Degrees F, and the flood broke loose. Plus, the Wrigley Field was surrounded by 9 hundred firefighters trying to put out a prickly fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Brett, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of warm hamburgers.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your yellow wart covered elbow. "Here, Brett! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling horrendously, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing elbows and waiting to succumb to the yellow warts.