You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were horny and crabby, like two big cars. Your immediate instinct was to throwing, but instead you decided to call your friend Kristen: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Tuseday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of sex on the beach in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of martini to spike up your morning. That Tuseday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -15 Degrees F with a
10% chance of a earthquake.
HEADLINE: peru, china, and
japan have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's ass. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 2 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your ass?! Yes!
Just then, Kristen knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Kristen, I have blue warts on my ass. That means I only have 2 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Kristen. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Millenium Park. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Millenium Park. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, feverishly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected ass sadly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of lions, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Kristen's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed happily, after they had left. "I have the extra 15 dollars that I keep in my panties! We can go to the Millenium Park with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 5 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the aggressive confusion, you were certain you infected at least 3 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the grumpy crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Kristen noticed that you were right in front of the Millenium Park. Just then, the temperature dropped to -15 Degrees F, and the earthquake broke loose. Plus, the Millenium Park was surrounded by 35 hundred firefighters trying to put out a happy fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Kristen, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of green buses.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered ass. "Here, Kristen! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling gratefully, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing asss and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.