You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were horny and bitchy, like two big ho's. Your immediate instinct was to fuck, but instead you decided to call your friend celeste: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a humpday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of bourbon in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of scotch to spike up your morning. That humpday needed a punch.
You moved into the bedroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -5 Degrees F with a
a gajillion% chance of a flood.
HEADLINE: afghanistan, france, and
senegal have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: pink warts located on victim's pussy. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? pink warts on your pussy?! Yes!
Just then, celeste knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, celeste, I have pink warts on my pussy. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied celeste. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the sear's tower. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the sear's tower. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, brutally demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your pink warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected pussy furiously.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of pussycats, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and celeste's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed carefully, after they had left. "I have the extra -1000000000000 dollars that I keep in my thong! We can go to the sear's tower with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 14.55 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and hastily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the wet confusion, you were certain you infected at least 69 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the slimy crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and celeste noticed that you were right in front of the sear's tower. Just then, the temperature dropped to -5 Degrees F, and the flood broke loose. Plus, the sear's tower was surrounded by one billion hundred firefighters trying to put out a hard fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at celeste, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of awesome boobs.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your pink wart covered pussy. "Here, celeste! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling not-so-carefully, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing pussys and waiting to succumb to the pink warts.