You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were hideous and sexual, like two big discs. Your immediate instinct was to splurge, but instead you decided to call your friend Spain: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of PBR in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Becks to spike up your morning. That Wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -3 Degrees F with a
88% chance of a hurricane.
HEADLINE: albania, Amerika, and
Georgia have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: hangover black warts located on victim's sphincter. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 4 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? hangover black warts on your sphincter?! Yes!
Just then, Spain knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Spain, I have hangover black warts on my sphincter. That means I only have 4 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Spain. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the bucktown. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the bucktown. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, swimmingly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your hangover black warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected sphincter sloppily.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of Tits, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Spain's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed kindly, after they had left. "I have the extra 1 dollars that I keep in my sock! We can go to the bucktown with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 7 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and contemptuously as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the scornful confusion, you were certain you infected at least 8 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the demented crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Spain noticed that you were right in front of the bucktown. Just then, the temperature dropped to -3 Degrees F, and the hurricane broke loose. Plus, the bucktown was surrounded by 23 hundred firefighters trying to put out a retarded fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Spain, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of greedy slopes.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your hangover black wart covered sphincter. "Here, Spain! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling friendly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing sphincters and waiting to succumb to the hangover black warts.