You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were hearty and slippery, like two big wings. Your immediate instinct was to chewing, but instead you decided to call your friend ed: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Mead in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Vox to spike up your morning. That Wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -420 Degrees F with a
28% chance of a earthquake.
HEADLINE: hat, Denmark, and
Chad have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: chartruse warts located on victim's thumb. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 2 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? chartruse warts on your thumb?! Yes!
Just then, ed knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, ed, I have chartruse warts on my thumb. That means I only have 2 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied ed. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the my back porch. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the my back porch. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, loudly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your chartruse warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected thumb fashionably.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of furries, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and ed's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed dangerously, after they had left. "I have the extra 1 dollars that I keep in my shoe! We can go to the my back porch with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 10 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and fast as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the plump confusion, you were certain you infected at least 17 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the nervous crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and ed noticed that you were right in front of the my back porch. Just then, the temperature dropped to -420 Degrees F, and the earthquake broke loose. Plus, the my back porch was surrounded by 33,001 hundred firefighters trying to put out a tender fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at ed, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of charming flugelhorns.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your chartruse wart covered thumb. "Here, ed! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling sloppily, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing thumbs and waiting to succumb to the chartruse warts.