You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were harsh and bald, like two big shoes. Your immediate instinct was to skid, but instead you decided to call your friend Roger: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Sidecar in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Jack and Coke to spike up your morning. That Tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the den, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -10 Degrees F with a
2% chance of a flood.
HEADLINE: Japan, Japan, and
Japan have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: Molteni orange warts located on victim's shin. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? Molteni orange warts on your shin?! Yes!
Just then, Roger knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Roger, I have Molteni orange warts on my shin. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Roger. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Cal's. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Cal's. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, quickly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your Molteni orange warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected shin sadly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of geese, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Roger's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed slowly, after they had left. "I have the extra 2 dollars that I keep in my bow-tie! We can go to the Cal's with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 314 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and begrudgingly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the scruffy confusion, you were certain you infected at least 24 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the grainy crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Roger noticed that you were right in front of the Cal's. Just then, the temperature dropped to -10 Degrees F, and the flood broke loose. Plus, the Cal's was surrounded by 35 hundred firefighters trying to put out a bumpy fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Roger, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of tight locks.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your Molteni orange wart covered shin. "Here, Roger! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling costly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing shins and waiting to succumb to the Molteni orange warts.