You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were hard and greasy, like two big girls. Your immediate instinct was to punching, but instead you decided to call your friend elon: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a monday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of vodka in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of tequilla to spike up your morning. That monday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: 2 Degrees F with a
3% chance of a earth quake.
HEADLINE: brazil, london, and
germany have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: red warts located on victim's arem. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? red warts on your arem?! Yes!
Just then, elon knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, elon, I have red warts on my arem. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied elon. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the m house. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the m house. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, quickly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your red warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected arem rarely.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of cats, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and elon's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed lazily, after they had left. "I have the extra 3 dollars that I keep in my gloves! We can go to the m house with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 2 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and noticibly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the spicy confusion, you were certain you infected at least 2 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the slowly crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and elon noticed that you were right in front of the m house. Just then, the temperature dropped to 2 Degrees F, and the earth quake broke loose. Plus, the m house was surrounded by 3 hundred firefighters trying to put out a fast fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at elon, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of brown hairs.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your red wart covered arem. "Here, elon! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling happily, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing arems and waiting to succumb to the red warts.