You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were happy and ugly, like two big hats. Your immediate instinct was to jump, but instead you decided to call your friend dan: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a hump day, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of wild turkey in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of colt 45 to spike up your morning. That hump day needed a punch.
You moved into the office, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -34 Degrees F with a
790% chance of a hurricane.
HEADLINE: india, italy, and
romania have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: red warts located on victim's anus. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 4 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? red warts on your anus?! Yes!
Just then, dan knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, dan, I have red warts on my anus. That means I only have 4 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied dan. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the nathan's apt. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the nathan's apt. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, murderously demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your red warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected anus blankly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of baboons, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and dan's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed worse, after they had left. "I have the extra 5 dollars that I keep in my top! We can go to the nathan's apt with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 30 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and blithely as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the tough confusion, you were certain you infected at least 45 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the kooky crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and dan noticed that you were right in front of the nathan's apt. Just then, the temperature dropped to -34 Degrees F, and the hurricane broke loose. Plus, the nathan's apt was surrounded by 455 hundred firefighters trying to put out a drunk fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at dan, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of mindless windows.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your red wart covered anus. "Here, dan! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling matronly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing anuss and waiting to succumb to the red warts.