You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were happy and sad, like two big knives. Your immediate instinct was to run, but instead you decided to call your friend Sarah: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Gin and Tonic in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Vodka to spike up your morning. That Wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the closet, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -150 Degrees F with a
9% chance of a flash flood.
HEADLINE: Mexico, Canada, and
India have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's Thumb. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 5 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your Thumb?! Yes!
Just then, Sarah knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Sarah, I have blue warts on my Thumb. That means I only have 5 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Sarah. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Wrigley Field. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Wrigley Field. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, slowly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected Thumb blindly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of Cats, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Sarah's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed quickly, after they had left. "I have the extra 89 dollars that I keep in my t-shirt! We can go to the Wrigley Field with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 8 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and effortlessly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the depressed confusion, you were certain you infected at least 19 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the affordable crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Sarah noticed that you were right in front of the Wrigley Field. Just then, the temperature dropped to -150 Degrees F, and the flash flood broke loose. Plus, the Wrigley Field was surrounded by 1 hundred firefighters trying to put out a glowing fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Sarah, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of fat chairs.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered Thumb. "Here, Sarah! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling painfully, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing Thumbs and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.