You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were happy and joyous, like two big smiles. Your immediate instinct was to masterbate, but instead you decided to call your friend Don: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of gin in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Shiraz to spike up your morning. That Wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -1 Degrees F with a
10000% chance of a earthquake.
HEADLINE: Sunshineland, Funland, and
Disneyland have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: green warts located on victim's big toe. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 9 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? green warts on your big toe?! Yes!
Just then, Don knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Don, I have green warts on my big toe. That means I only have 9 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Don. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Nazareth UCC. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Nazareth UCC. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, quickly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your green warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected big toe happily.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of chipmunks, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Don's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed loudly, after they had left. "I have the extra 100 dollars that I keep in my bow tie! We can go to the Nazareth UCC with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 100 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and slowly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the bright confusion, you were certain you infected at least 100 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the irridescent crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Don noticed that you were right in front of the Nazareth UCC. Just then, the temperature dropped to -1 Degrees F, and the earthquake broke loose. Plus, the Nazareth UCC was surrounded by 1000 hundred firefighters trying to put out a black fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Don, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of furry stairs.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your green wart covered big toe. "Here, Don! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling painfully, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing big toes and waiting to succumb to the green warts.