You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were happy and dreadful, like two big teeth. Your immediate instinct was to run, but instead you decided to call your friend Cait: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Thursday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of rum in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of porch crawler to spike up your morning. That Thursday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -56 Degrees F with a
53% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: Pakistan, Argentina, and
Libia have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: purple warts located on victim's earlobe. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 5 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? purple warts on your earlobe?! Yes!
Just then, Cait knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Cait, I have purple warts on my earlobe. That means I only have 5 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Cait. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the The Bean. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the The Bean. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, drastically demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your purple warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected earlobe rapidly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of tigers, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Cait's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed tastily, after they had left. "I have the extra 13 dollars that I keep in my sock! We can go to the The Bean with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 3 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the fat confusion, you were certain you infected at least 23 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the sleepy crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Cait noticed that you were right in front of the The Bean. Just then, the temperature dropped to -56 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the The Bean was surrounded by 7 hundred firefighters trying to put out a slow fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Cait, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of ugly hats.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your purple wart covered earlobe. "Here, Cait! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling sporatically, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing earlobes and waiting to succumb to the purple warts.