You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were hairy and smelly, like two big staples. Your immediate instinct was to spank, but instead you decided to call your friend gg: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a friday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of sex on the beach in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of car bomb to spike up your morning. That friday needed a punch.
You moved into the pantry, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -69 Degrees F with a
77% chance of a earthquake.
HEADLINE: Italy, Kenya, and
Mexico have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: dark red warts located on victim's anus. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 8 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? dark red warts on your anus?! Yes!
Just then, gg knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, gg, I have dark red warts on my anus. That means I only have 8 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied gg. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Montrose beach. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Montrose beach. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, slowly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your dark red warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected anus dangerously.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of hippos, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and gg's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed excitedly, after they had left. "I have the extra 88112 dollars that I keep in my underwear! We can go to the Montrose beach with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 12 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and methodically as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the fast confusion, you were certain you infected at least 412 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the hot crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and gg noticed that you were right in front of the Montrose beach. Just then, the temperature dropped to -69 Degrees F, and the earthquake broke loose. Plus, the Montrose beach was surrounded by 4 hundred firefighters trying to put out a dirty fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at gg, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of ice cold probes.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your dark red wart covered anus. "Here, gg! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling smoothly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing anuss and waiting to succumb to the dark red warts.