You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were hairy and large, like two big face. Your immediate instinct was to pee, but instead you decided to call your friend frankenstein: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a febturday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of vomit in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of slippery nipple to spike up your morning. That febturday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -3 Degrees F with a
9% chance of a presidential election.
HEADLINE: afganistan, antarctica, and
lebanon have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: pink warts located on victim's toe. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 2 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? pink warts on your toe?! Yes!
Just then, frankenstein knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, frankenstein, I have pink warts on my toe. That means I only have 2 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied frankenstein. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the HELL. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the HELL. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, quietly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your pink warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected toe loudly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of chinchillas, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and frankenstein's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed stupidly, after they had left. "I have the extra 7 dollars that I keep in my fannypack! We can go to the HELL with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 8 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and slowly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the small confusion, you were certain you infected at least 6 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the HUGE crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and frankenstein noticed that you were right in front of the HELL. Just then, the temperature dropped to -3 Degrees F, and the presidential election broke loose. Plus, the HELL was surrounded by 4 hundred firefighters trying to put out a fuzzy fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at frankenstein, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of sickly autobuses.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your pink wart covered toe. "Here, frankenstein! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling automatically, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing toes and waiting to succumb to the pink warts.