You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were haggish and queerd, like two big nickel. Your immediate instinct was to bump, but instead you decided to call your friend alicia: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a wedsnesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of jager bomb in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of cherry vodka to spike up your morning. That wedsnesday needed a punch.
You moved into the den, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -27 Degrees F with a
-3% chance of a volcanic eruption.
HEADLINE: albania, spain, and
england have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: cerulean warts located on victim's ear lobe. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? cerulean warts on your ear lobe?! Yes!
Just then, alicia knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, alicia, I have cerulean warts on my ear lobe. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied alicia. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the paul frank store. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the paul frank store. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, sluttish demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your cerulean warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected ear lobe greedily.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of bonobos, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and alicia's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed snobbishly, after they had left. "I have the extra 42 dollars that I keep in my tank top! We can go to the paul frank store with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 88 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the mini confusion, you were certain you infected at least 99 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the moodily crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and alicia noticed that you were right in front of the paul frank store. Just then, the temperature dropped to -27 Degrees F, and the volcanic eruption broke loose. Plus, the paul frank store was surrounded by 36 hundred firefighters trying to put out a tight fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at alicia, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of sweet fetish.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your cerulean wart covered ear lobe. "Here, alicia! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling moronically, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing ear lobes and waiting to succumb to the cerulean warts.