You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were guilty and round, like two big nuns. Your immediate instinct was to pooping, but instead you decided to call your friend nick: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Sunday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Old Style in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Gordon's Vodka to spike up your morning. That Sunday needed a punch.
You moved into the library, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -143 Degrees F with a
23% chance of a earthquake.
HEADLINE: uzbekistan, mexico, and
cuba have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: orange warts located on victim's finger. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? orange warts on your finger?! Yes!
Just then, nick knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, nick, I have orange warts on my finger. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied nick. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the The Vic. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the The Vic. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, awkwardly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your orange warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected finger stupidly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of wildebeests, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and nick's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed ridiculously, after they had left. "I have the extra 444 dollars that I keep in my shoe! We can go to the The Vic with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 3 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the erect confusion, you were certain you infected at least 56 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the smelly crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and nick noticed that you were right in front of the The Vic. Just then, the temperature dropped to -143 Degrees F, and the earthquake broke loose. Plus, the The Vic was surrounded by 34 hundred firefighters trying to put out a heavy fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at nick, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of smarmy pencils.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your orange wart covered finger. "Here, nick! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling sharply, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing fingers and waiting to succumb to the orange warts.