You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were green and stinky, like two big guts. Your immediate instinct was to shit, but instead you decided to call your friend bob: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a friday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of beer in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of rum to spike up your morning. That friday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -19 Degrees F with a
5% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: iraq, usa, and
australia have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: purple warts located on victim's cock. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? purple warts on your cock?! Yes!
Just then, bob knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, bob, I have purple warts on my cock. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied bob. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the bar. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the bar. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, loudly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your purple warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected cock boldly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of cheetqahs, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and bob's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed bluntly, after they had left. "I have the extra 67 dollars that I keep in my hat! We can go to the bar with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 67 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the runny confusion, you were certain you infected at least 4 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the sticky crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and bob noticed that you were right in front of the bar. Just then, the temperature dropped to -19 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the bar was surrounded by 5 hundred firefighters trying to put out a broken fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at bob, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of round pygmies.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your purple wart covered cock. "Here, bob! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling slowly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing cocks and waiting to succumb to the purple warts.