You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were green and stinky, like two big nouns. Your immediate instinct was to boink, but instead you decided to call your friend Chad: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of gin in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Harvey Wallbanger to spike up your morning. That Tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchenette, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -58 Degrees F with a
8% chance of a tsunami.
HEADLINE: Peru, Pago Pago, and
the Sudatenland have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: puce warts located on victim's wang. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 9 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? puce warts on your wang?! Yes!
Just then, Chad knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Chad, I have puce warts on my wang. That means I only have 9 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Chad. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Bucktown. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Bucktown. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, happily demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your puce warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected wang lustfully.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of roosters, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Chad's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed boringly, after they had left. "I have the extra 6 dollars that I keep in my sock! We can go to the Bucktown with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 6 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and smuttily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the hellish confusion, you were certain you infected at least 931 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the fishy crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Chad noticed that you were right in front of the Bucktown. Just then, the temperature dropped to -58 Degrees F, and the tsunami broke loose. Plus, the Bucktown was surrounded by 97 hundred firefighters trying to put out a shitty fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Chad, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of juniperish beets.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your puce wart covered wang. "Here, Chad! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling mind-numbingly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing wangs and waiting to succumb to the puce warts.