You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were green and round, like two big dogs. Your immediate instinct was to fuck, but instead you decided to call your friend cat: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a friday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of martini in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of beer to spike up your morning. That friday needed a punch.
You moved into the bedroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -7 Degrees F with a
78% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: france, uruguay, and
pakistan have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's foot. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 5 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your foot?! Yes!
Just then, cat knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, cat, I have blue warts on my foot. That means I only have 5 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied cat. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the hopleaf. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the hopleaf. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, happily demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected foot slowly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of cats, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and cat's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed nicely, after they had left. "I have the extra 6 dollars that I keep in my hat! We can go to the hopleaf with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 4 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the sad confusion, you were certain you infected at least 8 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the clear crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and cat noticed that you were right in front of the hopleaf. Just then, the temperature dropped to -7 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the hopleaf was surrounded by 88 hundred firefighters trying to put out a tasty fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at cat, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of leafy shoes.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered foot. "Here, cat! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling crappily, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing foots and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.