You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were green and polkadotted, like two big mice. Your immediate instinct was to run, but instead you decided to call your friend Sarah: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Saturday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of vodka in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Southern Comfort to spike up your morning. That Saturday needed a punch.
You moved into the bedroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -5 Degrees F with a
73% chance of a Volcano.
HEADLINE: turkey, Spain, and
Germany have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: pink warts located on victim's toe. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? pink warts on your toe?! Yes!
Just then, Sarah knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Sarah, I have pink warts on my toe. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Sarah. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Chicago. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Chicago. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, blandly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your pink warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected toe crazily.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of mooses, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Sarah's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed slyly, after they had left. "I have the extra 58 dollars that I keep in my bra! We can go to the Chicago with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 99 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and wildly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the sparkley confusion, you were certain you infected at least 75 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the plastic crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Sarah noticed that you were right in front of the Chicago. Just then, the temperature dropped to -5 Degrees F, and the Volcano broke loose. Plus, the Chicago was surrounded by 85 hundred firefighters trying to put out a round fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Sarah, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of shiny glasses.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your pink wart covered toe. "Here, Sarah! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling interestingly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing toes and waiting to succumb to the pink warts.