You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were green and polite, like two big moose. Your immediate instinct was to fishing, but instead you decided to call your friend courtney: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a monday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of rum and diet in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of vodka and tonic to spike up your morning. That monday needed a punch.
You moved into the den, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: 23 Degrees F with a
44% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: yugoslavia, poland, and
united states have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: fuscha warts located on victim's penis. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? fuscha warts on your penis?! Yes!
Just then, courtney knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, courtney, I have fuscha warts on my penis. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied courtney. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the columbia college. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the columbia college. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, swiftly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your fuscha warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected penis cautiously.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of moose, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and courtney's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed professionally, after they had left. "I have the extra 12 dollars that I keep in my pants! We can go to the columbia college with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 8 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and plainly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the ugly confusion, you were certain you infected at least 6 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the bitchy crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and courtney noticed that you were right in front of the columbia college. Just then, the temperature dropped to 23 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the columbia college was surrounded by 22 hundred firefighters trying to put out a beautiful fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at courtney, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of precious apples.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your fuscha wart covered penis. "Here, courtney! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling hardly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing peniss and waiting to succumb to the fuscha warts.