You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were green and pigish, like two big houses. Your immediate instinct was to flash, but instead you decided to call your friend meems: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a monday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of slo gin fizz in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of old style to spike up your morning. That monday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -2 Degrees F with a
6% chance of a hurricane.
HEADLINE: nz, czech republic, and
mexico have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: red warts located on victim's arm. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 9 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? red warts on your arm?! Yes!
Just then, meems knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, meems, I have red warts on my arm. That means I only have 9 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied meems. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the zakopanes. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the zakopanes. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, flippantly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your red warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected arm awkwardly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of goats, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and meems's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed quickly, after they had left. "I have the extra 15 dollars that I keep in my hat! We can go to the zakopanes with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 5 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and holy as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the slight confusion, you were certain you infected at least 10 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the textured crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and meems noticed that you were right in front of the zakopanes. Just then, the temperature dropped to -2 Degrees F, and the hurricane broke loose. Plus, the zakopanes was surrounded by 4 hundred firefighters trying to put out a frail fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at meems, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of slippery flip-flops.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your red wart covered arm. "Here, meems! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling luckily, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing arms and waiting to succumb to the red warts.