You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were green and dumb, like two big calculaters. Your immediate instinct was to fire, but instead you decided to call your friend jon: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a sunday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of vodka in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of champagne to spike up your morning. That sunday needed a punch.
You moved into the living, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: 666 Degrees F with a
2% chance of a super storm.
HEADLINE: bolivia, tunisia, and
switzerland have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: pink warts located on victim's hip. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 8 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? pink warts on your hip?! Yes!
Just then, jon knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, jon, I have pink warts on my hip. That means I only have 8 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied jon. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the lincoln park. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the lincoln park. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, ran demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your pink warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected hip gone.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of squirrels , but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and jon's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed licked, after they had left. "I have the extra 615243 dollars that I keep in my sweater! We can go to the lincoln park with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 9 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and returned as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the turbulent confusion, you were certain you infected at least 1 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the wirey crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and jon noticed that you were right in front of the lincoln park. Just then, the temperature dropped to 666 Degrees F, and the super storm broke loose. Plus, the lincoln park was surrounded by 187362 hundred firefighters trying to put out a putrid fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at jon, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of discreet women.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your pink wart covered hip. "Here, jon! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling lunged, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing hips and waiting to succumb to the pink warts.