You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were green and big, like two big cats. Your immediate instinct was to walk, but instead you decided to call your friend Meghan: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Friday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Vodka in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Malibu to spike up your morning. That Friday needed a punch.
You moved into the bedroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -28 Degrees F with a
87% chance of a tsunami.
HEADLINE: Ireland, Australia, and
India have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: purple warts located on victim's leg. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 5 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? purple warts on your leg?! Yes!
Just then, Meghan knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Meghan, I have purple warts on my leg. That means I only have 5 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Meghan. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Water Tower. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Water Tower. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, slowly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your purple warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected leg steadily.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of dogs, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Meghan's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed softly, after they had left. "I have the extra 2 dollars that I keep in my pants! We can go to the Water Tower with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 45 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the large confusion, you were certain you infected at least 23 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the small crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Meghan noticed that you were right in front of the Water Tower. Just then, the temperature dropped to -28 Degrees F, and the tsunami broke loose. Plus, the Water Tower was surrounded by 25 hundred firefighters trying to put out a long fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Meghan, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of short houses.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your purple wart covered leg. "Here, Meghan! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling hardly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing legs and waiting to succumb to the purple warts.