You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were grating and ugly, like two big kids. Your immediate instinct was to fucked, but instead you decided to call your friend craig: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a sunday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of whiskey in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of vodka to spike up your morning. That sunday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -33 Degrees F with a
44% chance of a earthquake.
HEADLINE: usa, russia, and
china have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: red warts located on victim's arm. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 5 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? red warts on your arm?! Yes!
Just then, craig knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, craig, I have red warts on my arm. That means I only have 5 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied craig. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the red light district. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the red light district. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, treachorously demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your red warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected arm gruesomely.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of cats, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and craig's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed intently, after they had left. "I have the extra 44 dollars that I keep in my shirt! We can go to the red light district with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 12 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and lovingly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the soft confusion, you were certain you infected at least 14 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the colorful crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and craig noticed that you were right in front of the red light district. Just then, the temperature dropped to -33 Degrees F, and the earthquake broke loose. Plus, the red light district was surrounded by 44 hundred firefighters trying to put out a hard fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at craig, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of dark dogs.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your red wart covered arm. "Here, craig! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling decidedly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing arms and waiting to succumb to the red warts.