You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were gloomy and silly, like two big pictures. Your immediate instinct was to run, but instead you decided to call your friend Bob: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of wine in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of beer to spike up your morning. That wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the bedroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: 6 Degrees F with a
4% chance of a hurricane.
HEADLINE: mexico, uganda, and
greece have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: yellow warts located on victim's arm. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 5 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? yellow warts on your arm?! Yes!
Just then, Bob knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Bob, I have yellow warts on my arm. That means I only have 5 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Bob. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Sears Tower. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Sears Tower. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, very demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your yellow warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected arm slowly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of puppies, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Bob's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed quickly, after they had left. "I have the extra 21 dollars that I keep in my pants! We can go to the Sears Tower with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 3 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and nicely as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the funny confusion, you were certain you infected at least 9 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the solid crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Bob noticed that you were right in front of the Sears Tower. Just then, the temperature dropped to 6 Degrees F, and the hurricane broke loose. Plus, the Sears Tower was surrounded by 13 hundred firefighters trying to put out a bad fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Bob, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of sad chairs.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your yellow wart covered arm. "Here, Bob! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling really, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing arms and waiting to succumb to the yellow warts.