You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were gloomy and perky, like two big spinners. Your immediate instinct was to shat, but instead you decided to call your friend bert: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Zima in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Bartles And Jaymes to spike up your morning. That wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the den, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -55 Degrees F with a
6% chance of a typhoon.
HEADLINE: russia, haiti, and
canada have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: mauve warts located on victim's taint. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 5 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? mauve warts on your taint?! Yes!
Just then, bert knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, bert, I have mauve warts on my taint. That means I only have 5 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied bert. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Touche. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Touche. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, rapidly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your mauve warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected taint oddly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of goats, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and bert's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed sexily, after they had left. "I have the extra 8 dollars that I keep in my sock! We can go to the Touche with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 62 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and hastily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the brownish confusion, you were certain you infected at least 48 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the oily crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and bert noticed that you were right in front of the Touche. Just then, the temperature dropped to -55 Degrees F, and the typhoon broke loose. Plus, the Touche was surrounded by 16 hundred firefighters trying to put out a messy fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at bert, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of odd shoes.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your mauve wart covered taint. "Here, bert! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling non-sexily, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing taints and waiting to succumb to the mauve warts.