You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were gleaming and effulgent, like two big cauldrons. Your immediate instinct was to titter, but instead you decided to call your friend Danielle: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Saturday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of absinthe in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of mead to spike up your morning. That Saturday needed a punch.
You moved into the basement, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -15 Degrees F with a
16% chance of a monsoon.
HEADLINE: Italy, Scotland, and
England have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: violet warts located on victim's taint. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 6 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? violet warts on your taint?! Yes!
Just then, Danielle knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Danielle, I have violet warts on my taint. That means I only have 6 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Danielle. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Berwyn red line station. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Berwyn red line station. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, maniacally demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your violet warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected taint lewdly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of manticores, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Danielle's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed stealthily, after they had left. "I have the extra 9 dollars that I keep in my garter belt! We can go to the Berwyn red line station with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 6 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and numbly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the unctuous confusion, you were certain you infected at least 42 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the greasy crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Danielle noticed that you were right in front of the Berwyn red line station. Just then, the temperature dropped to -15 Degrees F, and the monsoon broke loose. Plus, the Berwyn red line station was surrounded by 12 hundred firefighters trying to put out a forlorn fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Danielle, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of fruitless monks.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your violet wart covered taint. "Here, Danielle! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling belligerently, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing taints and waiting to succumb to the violet warts.