You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were glazed and red, like two big cherrys. Your immediate instinct was to hide, but instead you decided to call your friend scott: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a thursday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of scoch in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of vodka to spike up your morning. That thursday needed a punch.
You moved into the living room, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -2 Degrees F with a
87% chance of a tsunami.
HEADLINE: scotland, wales, and
italy have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: orange warts located on victim's chest. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 10 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? orange warts on your chest?! Yes!
Just then, scott knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, scott, I have orange warts on my chest. That means I only have 10 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied scott. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the vic. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the vic. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, viciously demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your orange warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected chest cautiously.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of donkeys, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and scott's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed loudly, after they had left. "I have the extra 54 dollars that I keep in my bra! We can go to the vic with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 24 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and hotly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the furry confusion, you were certain you infected at least 100 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the squishy crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and scott noticed that you were right in front of the vic. Just then, the temperature dropped to -2 Degrees F, and the tsunami broke loose. Plus, the vic was surrounded by 6 hundred firefighters trying to put out a numb fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at scott, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of timid rabbits.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your orange wart covered chest. "Here, scott! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling softly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing chests and waiting to succumb to the orange warts.