You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were gay and hot, like two big hats. Your immediate instinct was to spell, but instead you decided to call your friend clara: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a monday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of wine in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of tequila to spike up your morning. That monday needed a punch.
You moved into the laundry, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -78 Degrees F with a
46% chance of a Mudslide.
HEADLINE: lithuania, ecuador, and
congo have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: lime green warts located on victim's toenail. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? lime green warts on your toenail?! Yes!
Just then, clara knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, clara, I have lime green warts on my toenail. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied clara. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the lake michigan. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the lake michigan. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, patiently demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your lime green warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected toenail boldly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of wombats, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and clara's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed quickly, after they had left. "I have the extra 56 dollars that I keep in my socks! We can go to the lake michigan with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 2 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and flashily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the muffled confusion, you were certain you infected at least 907 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the hideous crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and clara noticed that you were right in front of the lake michigan. Just then, the temperature dropped to -78 Degrees F, and the Mudslide broke loose. Plus, the lake michigan was surrounded by 87 hundred firefighters trying to put out a wonderful fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at clara, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of creepy calendars.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your lime green wart covered toenail. "Here, clara! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling boring, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing toenails and waiting to succumb to the lime green warts.