You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were fuzzy and aloof, like two big feet. Your immediate instinct was to eat, but instead you decided to call your friend amy: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a tyesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of g and t in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of merlot to spike up your morning. That tyesday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -13 Degrees F with a
23% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: ethiopia, denmark, and
thailand have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: red warts located on victim's ear. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 2 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? red warts on your ear?! Yes!
Just then, amy knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, amy, I have red warts on my ear. That means I only have 2 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied amy. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the brown line. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the brown line. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, quickly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your red warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected ear darkly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of cows, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and amy's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed unimaginatively, after they had left. "I have the extra 12 dollars that I keep in my socks! We can go to the brown line with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 14 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the unruly confusion, you were certain you infected at least 11 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the stuffy crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and amy noticed that you were right in front of the brown line. Just then, the temperature dropped to -13 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the brown line was surrounded by 455 hundred firefighters trying to put out a gummy fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at amy, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of frozen bats.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your red wart covered ear. "Here, amy! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling heatedly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing ears and waiting to succumb to the red warts.