You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were futzy and lush, like two big fingernails. Your immediate instinct was to micturate, but instead you decided to call your friend Charlene: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Friday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of gin in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of gin to spike up your morning. That Friday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -43 Degrees F with a
73% chance of a typhoon.
HEADLINE: Greece, Canada, and
Cote d'Ivoire have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: mauve warts located on victim's sphincter. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? mauve warts on your sphincter?! Yes!
Just then, Charlene knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Charlene, I have mauve warts on my sphincter. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Charlene. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Bowmanville. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Bowmanville. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, limpidly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your mauve warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected sphincter sluggishly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of slugs, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Charlene's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed really, after they had left. "I have the extra 99 dollars that I keep in my sock! We can go to the Bowmanville with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 777 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and stupidly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the smooth confusion, you were certain you infected at least 666 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the uppity crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Charlene noticed that you were right in front of the Bowmanville. Just then, the temperature dropped to -43 Degrees F, and the typhoon broke loose. Plus, the Bowmanville was surrounded by 6952 hundred firefighters trying to put out a flaccid fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Charlene, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of prestigious elbows.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your mauve wart covered sphincter. "Here, Charlene! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling slowly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing sphincters and waiting to succumb to the mauve warts.