You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were furry and sexy, like two big gods. Your immediate instinct was to to fuck, but instead you decided to call your friend Beth: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Saturday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of uzo in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of wine to spike up your morning. That Saturday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -207 Degrees F with a
86% chance of a earthquake.
HEADLINE: Bolivia, Paraguay, and
Mexico have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: red warts located on victim's nose. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? red warts on your nose?! Yes!
Just then, Beth knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Beth, I have red warts on my nose. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Beth. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Picasso statue. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Picasso statue. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, handily demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your red warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected nose quickly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of cats, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Beth's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed slowly, after they had left. "I have the extra 704 dollars that I keep in my scarf! We can go to the Picasso statue with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 67 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and happily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the fat confusion, you were certain you infected at least 679 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the white crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Beth noticed that you were right in front of the Picasso statue. Just then, the temperature dropped to -207 Degrees F, and the earthquake broke loose. Plus, the Picasso statue was surrounded by 2678 hundred firefighters trying to put out a hard fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Beth, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of cold screens.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your red wart covered nose. "Here, Beth! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling secretly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing noses and waiting to succumb to the red warts.