You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were funny and whipped, like two big beasts. Your immediate instinct was to wonky, but instead you decided to call your friend Alison: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Sunday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of mudslide in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of lemondrop to spike up your morning. That Sunday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -18 Degrees F with a
9% chance of a hurricaine.
HEADLINE: el salvador, flillipines, and
IRan have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: red warts located on victim's leg. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 8 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? red warts on your leg?! Yes!
Just then, Alison knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Alison, I have red warts on my leg. That means I only have 8 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Alison. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the beach. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the beach. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, stupidly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your red warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected leg smartly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of fishes, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Alison's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed arrogantly, after they had left. "I have the extra 3 dollars that I keep in my underwear! We can go to the beach with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 6 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and blissfully as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the happily confusion, you were certain you infected at least 8 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the giddily crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Alison noticed that you were right in front of the beach. Just then, the temperature dropped to -18 Degrees F, and the hurricaine broke loose. Plus, the beach was surrounded by 9 hundred firefighters trying to put out a slippery fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Alison, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of poopy wishes.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your red wart covered leg. "Here, Alison! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling pollopy, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing legs and waiting to succumb to the red warts.