You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were funny and stupid, like two big balls. Your immediate instinct was to run, but instead you decided to call your friend corbin: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of beer in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of wiskey to spike up your morning. That wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the den, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -21 Degrees F with a
10% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: France, USA, and
Mexico have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's penis. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your penis?! Yes!
Just then, corbin knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, corbin, I have blue warts on my penis. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied corbin. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the city hall. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the city hall. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, quickly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected penis well.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of cougars, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and corbin's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed slowly, after they had left. "I have the extra 89 dollars that I keep in my man thong! We can go to the city hall with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 2 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and cautiously as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the wierd confusion, you were certain you infected at least 32 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the crazy crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and corbin noticed that you were right in front of the city hall. Just then, the temperature dropped to -21 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the city hall was surrounded by 16 hundred firefighters trying to put out a funny fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at corbin, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of sexy butt-cheeks.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered penis. "Here, corbin! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling happily, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing peniss and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.