You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were funny and horny, like two big friends. Your immediate instinct was to fly, but instead you decided to call your friend Trisha: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Friday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Beer in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Wine to spike up your morning. That Friday needed a punch.
You moved into the 14, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -20 Degrees F with a
100% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: Spain, Denmark, and
Canada have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: yellow warts located on victim's arm. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? yellow warts on your arm?! Yes!
Just then, Trisha knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Trisha, I have yellow warts on my arm. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Trisha. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Lake. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Lake. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, slowly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your yellow warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected arm quickly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of cows, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Trisha's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed knowingly, after they had left. "I have the extra 33 dollars that I keep in my bra! We can go to the Lake with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 25 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and jumped as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the ugly confusion, you were certain you infected at least 26 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the narly crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Trisha noticed that you were right in front of the Lake. Just then, the temperature dropped to -20 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the Lake was surrounded by 40 hundred firefighters trying to put out a hardworking fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Trisha, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of pretty boyfriends.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your yellow wart covered arm. "Here, Trisha! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling sadly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing arms and waiting to succumb to the yellow warts.