You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were funky and dyspeptic, like two big dogs. Your immediate instinct was to grind, but instead you decided to call your friend Fred: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Friday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Hamm's in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Jameson's to spike up your morning. That Friday needed a punch.
You moved into the 45, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -62 Degrees F with a
33% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: Bulgaria, Botswana, and
Liberia have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's elbow. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your elbow?! Yes!
Just then, Fred knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Fred, I have blue warts on my elbow. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Fred. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Sears Tower. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Sears Tower. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, quickly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected elbow promptly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of wildebeestes, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Fred's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed triumphantly, after they had left. "I have the extra 21 dollars that I keep in my thong! We can go to the Sears Tower with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 94 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and exactly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the fuschia confusion, you were certain you infected at least 32 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the quirky crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Fred noticed that you were right in front of the Sears Tower. Just then, the temperature dropped to -62 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the Sears Tower was surrounded by 91 hundred firefighters trying to put out a insane fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Fred, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of ludicrous potter's wheels.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered elbow. "Here, Fred! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling briskly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing elbows and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.