You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were frothy and tenuous, like two big tomatoes. Your immediate instinct was to flowing, but instead you decided to call your friend Joe: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Friday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of scotch in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of merlot to spike up your morning. That Friday needed a punch.
You moved into the dining room, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -14,234 Degrees F with a
56% chance of a avalanche.
HEADLINE: Bulgaria, Algeria, and
Columbia have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: puce warts located on victim's arm. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 8 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? puce warts on your arm?! Yes!
Just then, Joe knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Joe, I have puce warts on my arm. That means I only have 8 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Joe. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Water Tower Place. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Water Tower Place. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, endlessly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your puce warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected arm judiciously.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of lions, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Joe's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed maniacally, after they had left. "I have the extra 367 dollars that I keep in my scarf! We can go to the Water Tower Place with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than four minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and brightly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the tiresome confusion, you were certain you infected at least three dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the pretty crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Joe noticed that you were right in front of the Water Tower Place. Just then, the temperature dropped to -14,234 Degrees F, and the avalanche broke loose. Plus, the Water Tower Place was surrounded by 3,415 hundred firefighters trying to put out a rough fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Joe, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of soft mountains.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your puce wart covered arm. "Here, Joe! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling friviously, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing arms and waiting to succumb to the puce warts.