You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were froofy and pregnant, like two big saddle shoes. Your immediate instinct was to fight, but instead you decided to call your friend Michael: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of gin in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of RUM to spike up your morning. That Tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the nook, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -7 Degrees F with a
76% chance of a tidal wave.
HEADLINE: Zimbabwe, Indonesia, and
Afghanistan have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: magenta warts located on victim's elbow. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? magenta warts on your elbow?! Yes!
Just then, Michael knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Michael, I have magenta warts on my elbow. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Michael. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Cary's. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Cary's. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, swiftly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your magenta warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected elbow poutily.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of emus, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Michael's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed haltingly, after they had left. "I have the extra 164 dollars that I keep in my bra! We can go to the Cary's with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 17 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and merrily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the pug-ugly confusion, you were certain you infected at least 29 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the red crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Michael noticed that you were right in front of the Cary's. Just then, the temperature dropped to -7 Degrees F, and the tidal wave broke loose. Plus, the Cary's was surrounded by 19 hundred firefighters trying to put out a barren fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Michael, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of adorable trees.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your magenta wart covered elbow. "Here, Michael! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling begrudingly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing elbows and waiting to succumb to the magenta warts.