You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were forgetful and sloppy, like two big books. Your immediate instinct was to run, but instead you decided to call your friend eric: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a monday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of bacardi orange in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of beer to spike up your morning. That monday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -20 Degrees F with a
8% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: ecuador, canada, and
france have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: purple warts located on victim's wrist. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 6 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? purple warts on your wrist?! Yes!
Just then, eric knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, eric, I have purple warts on my wrist. That means I only have 6 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied eric. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the wicker park. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the wicker park. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, thoroughly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your purple warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected wrist defiantly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of zebras, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and eric's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed patriotically, after they had left. "I have the extra 5 dollars that I keep in my scarf! We can go to the wicker park with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 3 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and happily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the soft confusion, you were certain you infected at least 91 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the strong crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and eric noticed that you were right in front of the wicker park. Just then, the temperature dropped to -20 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the wicker park was surrounded by 12 hundred firefighters trying to put out a quiet fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at eric, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of blue CDs.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your purple wart covered wrist. "Here, eric! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling swiftly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing wrists and waiting to succumb to the purple warts.