You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were flatulent and vivacious, like two big scalpels. Your immediate instinct was to skip, but instead you decided to call your friend John: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Thursday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of gin in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of absinth to spike up your morning. That Thursday needed a punch.
You moved into the hall, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -22 Degrees F with a
5% chance of a landslide.
HEADLINE: Canada, Thailand, and
Morroco have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: teal warts located on victim's taint. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 2 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? teal warts on your taint?! Yes!
Just then, John knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, John, I have teal warts on my taint. That means I only have 2 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied John. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Soldier Field. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Soldier Field. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, humbely demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your teal warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected taint vividly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of marmets, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and John's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed frighteningly, after they had left. "I have the extra 43 dollars that I keep in my knee pads! We can go to the Soldier Field with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 4 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and blindly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the nude confusion, you were certain you infected at least 13 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the babelling crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and John noticed that you were right in front of the Soldier Field. Just then, the temperature dropped to -22 Degrees F, and the landslide broke loose. Plus, the Soldier Field was surrounded by 9 hundred firefighters trying to put out a manic fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at John, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of tongue-shaped ottomans.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your teal wart covered taint. "Here, John! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling masterfully, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing taints and waiting to succumb to the teal warts.