You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were fat and ugly, like two big losers. Your immediate instinct was to shooting, but instead you decided to call your friend rachel: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a monday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of vodka in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of pina colada to spike up your morning. That monday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -5 Degrees F with a
10% chance of a hurricane.
HEADLINE: france, morocco, and
united states have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's foot. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your foot?! Yes!
Just then, rachel knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, rachel, I have blue warts on my foot. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied rachel. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the pizza shop. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the pizza shop. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, fast demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected foot slow.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of penguins, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and rachel's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed stupidly, after they had left. "I have the extra 7 dollars that I keep in my skirt! We can go to the pizza shop with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 35 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the lonely confusion, you were certain you infected at least 3 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the sad crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and rachel noticed that you were right in front of the pizza shop. Just then, the temperature dropped to -5 Degrees F, and the hurricane broke loose. Plus, the pizza shop was surrounded by 225346 hundred firefighters trying to put out a really dumb fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at rachel, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of funky dogs.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered foot. "Here, rachel! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling ugly-ly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing foots and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.