You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were fat and surly, like two big spices. Your immediate instinct was to piss, but instead you decided to call your friend Erin: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of wine in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of swish to spike up your morning. That Tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the pantry, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: 34 Degrees F with a
8% chance of a gerbil explosion.
HEADLINE: Americanadexico, Ecuador, and
Latveria have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's elbow. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your elbow?! Yes!
Just then, Erin knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Erin, I have blue warts on my elbow. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Erin. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Smer's House. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Smer's House. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, drunkenly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected elbow swimmingly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of meese, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Erin's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed slowly, after they had left. "I have the extra 5 dollars that I keep in my pimp hat! We can go to the Smer's House with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 2 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and swiftly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the ugly confusion, you were certain you infected at least 24 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the barftacular crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Erin noticed that you were right in front of the Smer's House. Just then, the temperature dropped to 34 Degrees F, and the gerbil explosion broke loose. Plus, the Smer's House was surrounded by 23894 hundred firefighters trying to put out a terse fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Erin, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of dreadful trailers.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered elbow. "Here, Erin! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling terribly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing elbows and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.