You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were fat and crunchy, like two big gorillas. Your immediate instinct was to chomps, but instead you decided to call your friend dan: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a monday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of whiskey in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of beer to spike up your morning. That monday needed a punch.
You moved into the bedroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -4 Degrees F with a
5% chance of a earthquake.
HEADLINE: usa, sweden, and
jamaica have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: red warts located on victim's arm. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 6 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? red warts on your arm?! Yes!
Just then, dan knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, dan, I have red warts on my arm. That means I only have 6 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied dan. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the clark's diner. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the clark's diner. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, spitefully demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your red warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected arm easily.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of kittens, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and dan's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed painfully, after they had left. "I have the extra 3 dollars that I keep in my pajamas! We can go to the clark's diner with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 4 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and speedily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the stinky confusion, you were certain you infected at least 8 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the green crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and dan noticed that you were right in front of the clark's diner. Just then, the temperature dropped to -4 Degrees F, and the earthquake broke loose. Plus, the clark's diner was surrounded by 58672 hundred firefighters trying to put out a nasty fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at dan, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of crunchy bells.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your red wart covered arm. "Here, dan! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling fearfully, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing arms and waiting to succumb to the red warts.