You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were exquisite and gorgeous, like two big lady bug. Your immediate instinct was to twist, but instead you decided to call your friend annie: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of vodka in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of rum to spike up your morning. That tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -18 Degrees F with a
31% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: costa rica, fiji, and
spain have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's torso. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your torso?! Yes!
Just then, annie knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, annie, I have blue warts on my torso. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied annie. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the art institute. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the art institute. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, greatly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected torso lightly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of koalas, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and annie's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed intensly, after they had left. "I have the extra 301 dollars that I keep in my scarf! We can go to the art institute with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 13 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and very as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the lush confusion, you were certain you infected at least 33 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the heavy crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and annie noticed that you were right in front of the art institute. Just then, the temperature dropped to -18 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the art institute was surrounded by 103 hundred firefighters trying to put out a lushious fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at annie, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of gracious ring.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered torso. "Here, annie! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling ridiculously, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing torsos and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.