You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were enormous and indigo, like two big douches. Your immediate instinct was to lovely, but instead you decided to call your friend cunt face: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of absolut in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of patron to spike up your morning. That tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the 405, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: 0 Degrees F with a
69% chance of a monsoon.
HEADLINE: barbados, peru, and
india have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: aqua warts located on victim's peni. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 2 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? aqua warts on your peni?! Yes!
Just then, cunt face knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, cunt face, I have aqua warts on my peni. That means I only have 2 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied cunt face. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the metro. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the metro. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, how demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your aqua warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected peni who.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of lemurs, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and cunt face's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed what, after they had left. "I have the extra 6 dollars that I keep in my tanga! We can go to the metro with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 14 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and when as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the grotesque confusion, you were certain you infected at least 3 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the nasty crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and cunt face noticed that you were right in front of the metro. Just then, the temperature dropped to 0 Degrees F, and the monsoon broke loose. Plus, the metro was surrounded by 1 hundred firefighters trying to put out a indecent fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at cunt face, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of dirrrty whores.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your aqua wart covered peni. "Here, cunt face! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling why, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing penis and waiting to succumb to the aqua warts.